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The TRUTH behind today's Aston Villa FC statement
8:35pm Wednesday 25th April 2012 in Sports Blogs
Aston Villa Football Club have released a statement on behalf of American owner Randy Lerner and Paul Faulkner, writes Steve Zacharanda.
They didn't write it themselves obviously, someone from the public relations or marketing department would have stuck it under their nose as they discussed stocks and shares.
But they would have probably approved it.
Obviously it is written in a language that no-one speaks or talks, especially no-one in Birmingham, it is PR-speak and I am going to try and help you understand what the words in the statement really mean.
"Right now everyone connected with Villa is hurting badly."
Ok, we heard your foulmouth chants last night loud and clear, however, at least you came what is really hurting our wallet is the ten thousand fans that could not even be bothered to pay to watch the game.
"A win was in sight last night against Bolton after a strong start and the tenacity the team displayed, although ultimately we weren't able to hold on for the points."
This sentence has been written for the benefit of fans who are so stupid they need to be told in flowery language what happens when the team goes one up and then subsequently loses 2-1.
"We very openly acknowledge the frustrations of Villa fans and share in them completely."
We know that Alex McLeish is rubbish. We understand why you think he is rubbish, we've just looked at the EPL table and it appears we are in deep trouble. We feel your pain, we have said that and we know your pain is the manager so he will be sacked when the season ends.
"What matters to us and the Board at this moment is how we, as a Club, handle adversity and the pressure it brings."
What matters to us is our balance sheet and going down to the Championship will mean all the hours Paul Faulkner spent compiling spreadsheets will have been wasted. Also notice our use of renegade capital letters, we are down with the kids man. Also in the first draft the word 'pressure' was actually 'panic' but we did not want to acknowledge that this is what everyone connected with Aston Villa is doing right now.
"Our horizon is the next three games and we continue to be in control of our own destiny."
Change the word 'games' to 'days' and you will notice this entire sentence has been lifted from the lyrics of Bon Jovi's 1986 smash hit Livin on a Prayer.
"Young players side-by-side with more senior players are fighting hard for the Club."
Obviously that is the senior players not crocked, on loan or sold. Our academy has saved us again, these homegrown players are fantastically cheap to pay, and by the way Barry Bannan and Carlos Cueller don't half look strange together side by side.
"They are now preparing for West Brom followed by Spurs and Norwich."
This sentence is for those fans who are so stupid they don't know what teams the most important three games this decade are against. It is also designed to soothe any worries that our players are too busy getting people pregnant, eating Nandos, having tattoos and playing on the PS3 to care about winning a football match.
"We will continue to support and rely on our manager and the squad and therefore give them our full support."
Have you noticed how long we have gone without mentioning the manager, and as a tactile nod to how annoyed with him we can not even bring ourselves to mention him by name. And notice the word 'rely' and not 'fully back' or have 'confidence', nope just rely. We are sure a lot of you people rely on the bus to get to work and nobody wants to get the bus to work, you want a car.
"We are totally conscious, as is everyone at the Club, that this is a very trying time for those who love Aston Villa."
This sentence is exactly the same as the first paragraph but written with different words.
"We know that the team will continue to fight through every minute of the remaining games and we hope Villa fans will continue to show their great support."
This is going to be fight. And not a case of winning the next game and being safe because this group of players is sinking faster than the Costa Concordia (see how modern we are not mentioning the Titanic).
This is not going to be easy. And rest assured the players have been reminded that a game lasts 90 minutes something that seems to have escaped them for the last nine months.
Obviously when we use the word 'great' we mean awful because last night our scared to death young team needed support in the most important 15 minutes of the seson and all fans did was question what Alex does when his wife is on holiday. Can not you be just a little bit grateful of all the money Randolph has put in this club, the Holte pub is even open once in a blue moon because of him.
Why can't you be like Newcastle fans who blindly love their club even when it rips them off left, right and centre.
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